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Suddenly It All Makes Sense

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All the pieces are falling into place. As if by magic. One after another after another, as though, which they are, they are all interconnected.

This has been a week I will never forget. Of revelation after revelation. It has been like a week of lightbulbs going off. After years of wondering, puzzling, researching, researching, trying to get the insight of those who should know. Suddenly it is clear. Everything. EVERYTHING. Makes sense through this lens.

I want to share fully. Without enigma. But I cannot. It is too tender and raw. The world of social media, even here amongst friends too big and uncontrollable to trust our deepest truths to be seen and commented on.

But still I need to give voice to the enormity of the past week. For all of you who have seen me and my family over the years. Who have picked up snippets here and there of this and that. Who have known of our struggles, my struggles. Who have seen and not understood. Who have witnessed me struggle blind for words, for a voice to express the experience of myself, my life, my mothering journey. Who have seen me longing to be seen, to be heard.

I have been heard. We have been seen.
We understand now.
We understand completely.
And those who need to know will also now understand.
Perhaps in time we will speak completely openly.
But for now this is what I need to share.

A beautiful new pattern emerges and we are no longer blindfolded in the chaos, being told that what we see, what we feel, what we know in our bodies is wrong. Instead we know. We are not fighting the illusion of other’s realities. We are living in our own.

Today I woke and sobbed. And said, I wish I could start my life over, with this information. I wish I could do it all again knowing this.

There is a sadness, a deep grief, an anger that no one. Ever. Was able to put the pieces together before. That nobody even knew which pieces to gather to put together. That so much suffering was perhaps avoidable. That it took so much effort on my part, to be my own detective and then find the professionals who were experienced enough to see, what was as clear as the nose on anyone’s face. Except nobody saw. And so I spent a lifetime of feeling crazy. Hiding crazy. Being told it was not true.

Because they didn’t know the patterns.

They couldn’t see what they couldn’t or didn’t want to see. They couldn’t see. And so I lived, we lived, scared, in the dark, trying our best to survive, always told there was nothing to see.

But there was. There was. I was, we were, living it. All day. Every day. All the pieces were there scattered across our lives. And now they are falling into place.

There is no rewind. There may well be no happily ever after.

But we have today and tomorrow, which can be illuminated with this insight. We will never be blind again. We are doing this puzzle with the lights on now.

May we find peace and acceptance and joy and healing.

May we find fresh starts, illuminated by insight.

May we be free to be more fully ourselves.

This I wish for you too. Wherever you are.

  1. Shirley-Ann Rigby-Jones
    Shirley-Ann Rigby-Jones11-24-2017

    This is a very powerful and tender piece of writing Lucy. How wonderful that something so amazing has happened to gain insight and clarity to you and your families lives. Thank you for sharing and sending you much love as this is integrated into your being. Xx

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