Treacy Pearce1

I Choose Both

Motherhood?

Or my soul work?

treacy pearce1

So often I have felt that there was a choice. One or the other. I know I am not alone. Many creative women choose not to have children because they know this choice. Others choose motherhood and realise too late, the choice has been made. Society adds to it, tutting at women trying to have it all. A subtler version of the prejudice that for centuries kept women’s voices and power out of the public sphere.

The way my brain is wired, makes me very susceptible to black and white thinking. And fortune telling. It happens on such an unconscious level I rarely identify it. This choice. But it is one that filled me with terror as I wrote Burning Woman. And as I saw the news of Jo Cox. The choice – stay safe, stay home, stay quiet and discard half of my self, but ensure my children have a mother. Step out, speak up, and risk it all.

Which will you choose?

There is something deep, deep within that believes I have made a Faustian pact. I can have professional success, or be a good mother. Not both. If professional success comes, then I will lose my children. In some karmic deal. Whether by death or divorce.

Perhaps it happened in a past life. This choice. Children or soul work. Not both.

Perhaps it happened many times.

As I prepare to go to the US tomorrow for soul work, my terror is triggered, what if this choice means that I have forsaken my children. I have put my ambition, my desires, my soul before them, before theirs? I will be punished. I will never return and I will leave them motherless as punishment. How selfish am I? How stupid? 

I love them. I don’t want to leave them.

I have struggled for years, publicly, with my less than perfect motherhood – something with insight I realise 90% of is spectrum stuff… if only I had known. If only.

This anxiety, the specific anxieties are mainly spectrum stuff too. That helps. A little.

But when I feel this terror, not just of losing my children (if I’m gone, I probably wouldn’t be aware) but more of them losing me. The final, dreadful abandonment any person can experience. I want to stop it all right now. Take it all back. Take back the books, cancel the flight and stay snuggled up safe in our home forever.

This is what I long for… safe…

Safe.

Until safe becomes unbearable and my soul longs to reach out beyond.

This deep, strong, furious, beautiful love I have for them runs through my very depths.

And so does the need to do my work.

It cannot be one or the other. It must be both.

This is the path of the Creative Rainbow Mother, the Burning Woman.

And so I let my shaking body feel the love for them, that I am so, so scared they will lose, that they will never feel again, that will never hold and protect them from the storms of this world. This love is entwined with fear, the fear of loss, of abandonment, of either or. This fear is old, so very old. How can I – can I? – disentwine them, or are they the twisted spiral of our DNA? Or is it that the love is all there is, and fear is the gauze, the sieve… and if I can just let the gauze fall to one side then all there will be is love?

I don’t know.

But I know this, my heart is sore. Physically sore. From this deep, deep belief of either/or. From the fear of the price to be paid. As I prepare to say goodbye to them for a week, my soul is screaming, please don’t let it be goodbye forever.

I love them. I love my work.

I choose both.

I choose both.

With all my heart.

And I hope that putting words to it will break the spell.

PS Just moments after I wrote this… this happened.

bw

Burning Woman is currently #9 in Women in History on Kindle – behind Lean In, I am Malala and Women Who Run with the Wolves… and ahead of The Female Eunuch and The Beauty Myth. This is MASSIVE!!!! It’s #10 in Feminist Theory (Kindle) on Amazon.co.uk and #14 in the same genre on Amazon.com – grab your copy for just $2.99/ £1.99/ €2.99 on Kindle, till midnight tonight.
http://amzn.to/1Yw8OfT

  1. Emily
    Emily06-21-2016

    Yes yes yes yes yes. And yes again! :)

    • lucyhpearce
      lucyhpearce06-21-2016

      Thank you love xxx

  2. Susan
    Susan06-21-2016

    Thank you for this, and sharing, reaching out, so that I may feel connected. I have devoted myself to mothering for so long. I am also on the precipice of stepping into my bigness and serving my light to the world. What I know is, what is right for you, is right for others. Living your life, following your dreams, stepping up and bringing your light to others is also right for our children. On so many levels. Looking forward to reading the book. Congratulations xo.

    • lucyhpearce
      lucyhpearce06-21-2016

      Thank you Susan xx

  3. Shirley-Ann
    Shirley-Ann06-21-2016

    Dearest Lucy

    How my heart went out to you with your expression of fear and vulnerability as you go on this amazing adventure!!! A mother’s heart of fiercely loving her children and a woman’s heart of passion for her soul’s calling!! Yes yes and yes again this is who you are and don’t allow the demon of fear to rob or cheat you out of all that is waiting for you in America . All will be well your babes will be safe and so fly high and soar . Have an amazing time safe home love and light to you Shirley-Ann xxx

    • lucyhpearce
      lucyhpearce06-21-2016

      Thank you so much, Shirley-Ann xx

  4. Terri
    Terri06-22-2016

    I so resonate with every word you said. I too face this every day…sometimes resenting the work that keeps me from Mothering fully, sometimes resenting the children who keep me away from my passionate work. I too choose both. Just typing that makes me feel more motivated to find ways through the challenges rather than seeing them as a meaning that something is essentially flawed in either choice or the desire to combine them. That’s a powerful shift in thinking for me. Thank-you.

    I too also have that same feeling with my children and have not been able to leave them much for that reason. I lost a friend and dear mother of 3 children last year and in reading the news about Jo Cox is a fresh pain. I have to be mindful that this doesn’t become a crippling fear for me and us. Last year I left them with my Grandparents for the first night to be alone. That night we had the highest amount of rainfall ever which devasted the country – knocked down bridges, caused landslides, flooded rivers between me and the kids, all power and phone lines out so we could not contact eachother… Took a wild ride up to get them and all was well but damn, it’s a scary thing to have your heart walking about outside yourself!

    Anyways so good to read your post and reconnect with your work and see that so many great things are happening for you. We used to email and read each-others blogs when I was writing Child of the Nature Isle ( I’m writing on Onelove Livity now.) Blessed journey and all the best with the book and everything else. Onelove, Terri

    • lucyhpearce
      lucyhpearce07-19-2016

      Big love back to you Terri – thanks for checking in, great to be connected again. And well done you for taking the risk – scary but important.

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