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Accepting the Image of Myself

I have had a whole pile of really exciting teaching invites come in for 2015. Stuff so aligned to my soul it makes me deliriously happy. The first is Birthing Ourselves into Being, a transformational, yearlong virtual women’s circle – more of which another time.

The reason I am telling you this is that teaching requires headshots. Photos. Images of me.

The last time I needed new headshots was when we were building the new version of this website, I … ummmm… totally freaked out.

And it was my husband taking the pics.

Panic attack. Proper freak out.  All my body dysmorphic stuff was activated. I felt too fat, too grey, too unprimped to stand up to the glossy expectations of women’s website pictures. I am not your average woman who enjoys make up and shopping for clothes and hairdressers…all of them bring on feelings of deep anxiety.

In truth I have spent most of my life time trying to accept the image of myself…and then looking back at a later date and wondering what my problem was…and beating myself up a whole lot more.

I have had issues with appearance for as long as I can remember. Big issues. And photos doubly so. I hate being in photos with a passion and avoid it at all costs. I appear in very few. The selfie concept is totally alien to me.

It was what freaked me out about our wedding. First the expectations, the focus on my appearance. The need to polish myself. And then the photographs. There was no official photographer. No posed photos at all. In fact we didn’t have a single picture of us together on the day of our main festivities!

I never look in photos how I look…and feel…to myself. I am always a disappointment. An embarassment. And bad photos of me only magnify it all.

So it was with trepidation that we took some new headshot of me this weekend. I wanted up-to-date images. Ones which reflected who I am and what I look like now. Pictures which look like me, so that when you come across me online, you see me as I am. You see into my soul, and see if who I am and what I do resonates with you.

So when I updated my photo on Facebook with my new head shot, you have no idea what all those kind words meant. Because my soul was on view for all to see.