Shatter My Heart So That I May Open A

Shaken and Stirred

It has been a big week here. One I have no desire to do again. Nor do I want to go into details with you now. But let’s just say it’s been raw. Real. Unexpected. And very scary at times.

And for that reason it is also precious. It has broken me open…not that I felt like I particularly wanted or needed any breaking after the summer. But the Universe it seems has its ways and means.

I find writing about big personal stuff hard. And I also find it healing. It takes enormous courage to do when all I want to do is hide and hurt in private…and yet I know it shifts my own understanding, and helps those who read it… I realised as I sat to write it that the details of any situation fade into a blur, when one focuses on the bigger picture: so that is what I am doing in this post.

Alisa Starkweather said something very special to me this summer: to stand in your vulnerability with another is a precious gift.

Shatter my heart, so that I may open a(2)

So here I am. Shaken and stirred. But turning up.

As my dear wise friend Tracy observed, as I explained how everything was unfolding: In the end we are all just energy. And this week I have been energetically shaken and shifted in so may ways.

And so it was this week for me…

Orgasms

Tears

Car crash

Tension

Excitement

Emptiness

Laughter

Money

Words

Travel plans

All in flow. All seeming to be less solid than I previously thought.

Shaking. Lots of shaking. From fear, from emotional shock, from pleasure, from physical shock, from exhaustion, from desire, from cold, from sadness.

The body shakes and quakes as it is broken open. As our shells are smashed. As our control is loosened.

There come times – big and small – in our lives that the reality that we think we know can be completely altered in a moment with a word, an action. And so, we have to learn, again and again, that the most comfortable way, the most fulfilling way, the most realistic way to live is in flow, in flow with everything around us. To be in flow is to be vulnerable, to be creative, to be willing to change and be changed, to be endlessly in process. To find our balance in the midst of the dynamic flow and keep open and care deeply for ourselves in the process.

We are all just energy. It is all just energy.

These are not just trite words. They are truth.

However big it feels. However scary. We are just consciousness…experiencing energy.

Expanding, contracting, the pulse of life in our veins, the pulse of the womb giving birth, the genitals in orgasm, the throb of becoming and unbecoming. This is life.

Energy is always in a state of flux. ever-changing, constantly shifting and becoming.  That is its nature.

Whilst our human nature likes to feel safe and in control, masters of our own destinies. Not small and vulnerable.

Shatter my heart, so that I may open a

When the carpet is pulled from us. When things lose their solidity, when we lose our grip on reality, on containing and controlling the individual forms that we give names to: people, things… We see that it is all just energy. Where we come from, where we’re going, who and what we are and are experiencing right now.

When we are knocked off course by life we see how far we have come…and how much we still have to learn.

And all we can do is be open. And try to be loving and grateful and in complete awe as it shifts around us, as we find the brakes don’t work. As we experience impact. As we pick up the pieces afterwards. And try to create something new and beautiful from it.

So if you’re there too. If you are being shaken and stirred. I feel you. I know. I am holding space for you and me both.

Let life break us open. It is scary. But it is the only way.

 

PS

Thank you to two very wise women who I am lucky to know for sharing the quotes with me –Veronika Robinson and Nicole Schwab .

And to Rassouli for the art… you paint pictures I wish came from my brush and speak to my soul.

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