Hairy guacamole, Batman!
So there I was, sitting in a bath of vegetable blobs when I thought, maybe this is not such a good idea.
If I had a penis I would have just poured myself a tequila half an hour ago. Because a man, if he sees a bowl of guacamole, would never in a million years consider putting it on his hair, just like if he sees oatmeal and honey, he thinks “breakfast” not “cheap tonifying face mask.”
But here I was. Penis free. Hair down to my boobs, which is fecking long when your boobs are down to your knees. Having not been to a hairdresser in 8 years. And having spent the past two days and nights sleeping with it up to minimise the chundered carrot chunks in it, (I had the vomitting bug), something needed to be done. And so I decided two things.
My poor dear body needs some real TLC. I’m worth it. A truly good decision, I was on the money here.
The next one: I’ll start with my hair – not so good!
I went to the internet for an answer. We had an avocado on the turn in the fruit bowl, and my addled thrifty mama brain remembered seeing on Pinterest (the mama fantasy world) that one can use such things for DIY hair deep conditioning treatments.
I bundled the kids off with a blender full of freshly made hummous (its alright, there’s no need to hate me, its the only thing they all eat other than their subsistence diet of chocolate spread sandwiches) with dear Mr DA to see the in-laws and ran myself a bath.
Then I set to work on the hair mask. Ah, blender with kids, I realised. No worries, reassures the glossy website, just mash well, and mix in the olive oil.
Well I did, really well. And that’s where I shoulda stopped and cracked open the tequila and tortilla chips.
But no, I stepped on the scales, celebrated the lost chundered pounds, lit some candles, said prayers and lowered myself into the bath. Shampooed, rinsed, applied mask. Rinsed. And rinsed. And rinsed again. And then spent the next ten minutes picking out lumps of guacamole from my dry yet oily, tangled, shitty-looking, weird-smelling hair.
So if you see me, and it looks like I have puke in my hair, I just might, or I might have just been on Pinterest again.
Now there’s a man back home, and a freshly-bathed wife in a dressing gown, and no kids….though I doubt I’ll get lucky, with all these smelly green lumps in my hair!
So pass the guacamole. And the tortilla chips. And the scissors!
Tell me dear reader, in the spirit of Blog delurking week, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever put on your hair… Or skin? And did it work. If you’ve never left a message before, I’d be extra stoked to hear from you! I know you’re there!