I don’t want to go to bed

I don’t want to go to bed.

Because going to bed means putting myself away. Giving myself up. Giving up.

Sure as night follows day another morning rolls in. Of fighting and whinging and sandwich making, dishwasher stacking, breastfeeding, uniform finding. And really I haven’t the heart. Really I wish they would all go away and let me write. And bring me meals. And let me be. In peace.

I am tired. Tired of being nice. Of making peace. Of worrying that I am being good enough. Of being told I’m not.

It is one minute off midnight. I should be in bed. I will be tired for another endless day. Which only makes it worse. But I cannot bring myself to go.

I want to stay here forever. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. I am just me in body and mind. I am free to think, to write, to move. And the silence is so thick that the fish tank sounds as loud as a waterfall. And I am me. Not somebody else’s help-meet. Just me.

Here I am not failing at discipline, worrying about how to get a child to eat or shit, making more food which will be rejected, concerned as to whether my behaviour will scar them for life or make my husband leave, wondering how much more TV is acceptable to have on, having to answer the same question for the 50th time, feigning interest in Lego models or sympathy for a puny scratch, or worrying about someone seeing the state of the house. My day is filled with these things and they bore me with their monotony. When where I really want to be is here. Just me and my thoughts and a computer.

I spend my days hungry for this time. I feel guilty that I take it, perched in front of my screen, knowing I should be nice to my husband, talk to him, show an interest. But I just want to be me… just for a moment to feel myself more fully, to have a thought that isn’t interrupted, to do something that is of value, to matter.

Oh the motherload is very hard sometimes.Endless, endless, endless…

I don’t want to go to bed.

***

A friend shared this pertinent song…No Charge…it is so true, and made me cry…

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