Instant Weight Loss Program… **GUARANTEED SUCCESS**
This is the time of year for self improvement. Take yourself in hand…
Want to shift a couple of post Christmas or post natal pounds? Try my guaranteed weight loss recipe for instant success. Guaranteed to shift 5 pounds in a month. And no need to turn down dessert!*
Take one slightly cuddly body.
Weaken it by breastfeeding a constant night waking baby for 5 months, minimum 5 wakings a night, preferably in double figures.
Add two other ill night waking children who need attention.
Add diarrhea bug to self.
Add teething to already sleepless baby.
Add two other ill nightwaking children who need attention.
Add vomiting bug to self. And everyone else. Food intake for 3 days: 1 slice of toast. Ribena. Don’t worry this won’t add weight as it doesn’t stay down.
Remember…no pain, no gain! Don’t give up now!
Take off the boil and rest for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day – by this stage your stomach will have reduced in size so that you cannot eat more than one normal size portion.
Infect with swine flu.
Yes, go the whole hog (scuse the pun) and infect whole household with swine flu so you don’t get to feel too special or sorry for yourself. Remember, sharing is caring. Sleep is for wimps.
Add a few secondary infections to the mix – tonsiliitis for me so that your throad is too narrow to swallow anything more than soup or jelly. And chuck in a couple of chest infections for the children for good measure. And whilst you’re at it why not an ear infection. And a nose bleed that goes off like a geyser every few hours making the place look like a House of Horrors.
Looking good! Feeling…shit!
Or, alternatively you could cherish your wobbly bits and the warmth they bring you. And all the extra cuddles! Be gone foul Weight Watchers and misery guts fashion magazines. Do yourself a favour, stop beating yourself up. Live a little healthier cos it makes you feel you, not to punish yourself!
*In a manner of speaking!